Dogs Calls in Busco

The short stop in LA was not a bad one. Darren met me at the airport after I had broken the LAX world record to be off the plane and through custom es in 48 minutes and 35 seconds. We cruised and hour down the coast to a Friends place. Although only a short visit we managed to part take in all the American traditions. In and out burger for dinner. Pancakes for breakfast. we even managed to stop in a for a beer in a karaoke bar where some yokals who were either husband and wife, sister and brother or perhaps both butchered Greece Lightening. America is great place but at times it just seems a bit of a fantasy land, not all that real, including the bar ladies breasts.

It was on to Lima and then straight out to Cusco. I say straight, we had a 6 hour stay at the Lima airport. So we arrived in Cusco at 7am having not sleep for 30 hours and with the goal of making it to the evening to try and stay on top of the time difference. My first impression of the Peru was the taxi journey to the hostel. South Americans, are renowned for being laid back and easy going. After the first 30 seconds in the Taxi I learnt that this is certainly not the case when it comes to their driving. They complete nutters behind the wheel. The use the horn like I have never seen before, they use it so much they have developed into a higher level of communication than I am sure it is meant for. First there is the standard beep - which means ¨hey¨ then there is beep beep which means ¨hey, watch it¨ then there is beeeeeeeeeeep beep which mean ¨get stuffed" they also have a beep beeeeeeeeeeeeep which means initially I was just saying hey but in actual fact you can get stuffed¨. Often they cut straight to a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep beeep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep which means ¨get (something elsed)¨

The other thing that was quickly apparent is the number of dogs here. There are just hundreds of them cruising the streets looking for feeds in the rubbish and chasing cars. I guess other nations don't have this problem because most people in Western couturiers chop their balls off and in Asia the they get eaten. They would not be such an issue if they did not smell so bad. One sits outside our hostel gate and for the first time in my life I can truly appreciate what people mean when they say something smells like dogs balls.

They are into their festivals here. We keep hearing gunshots in the city plaza. Until this morning the best theory we had come up with was that they are used to scare the pigeons away. This theory was challenged a bit by the gun shoots going off at 5am everyday but then we figured it perhaps they were sending the pigeons a message right at the start of the day. The 5am shots would not be too bad because they only last for a few a seconds and returning to sleep would be possible but the problem is that they set every one of the cities 57 thousand dogs off. So we are basically buggered when it comes to trying to sleep in.

Cusco is 3500 meters above sea level, which is basically the same as Mt Cook. It feels like your lungs are operating at about 40%. Our hostel is situated about 5 minutes walk down a cliff face into town, no problem when going in but coming back is a different story. It feels like you have some how instantly been transformed into being an unfit, overweight chain smoker with Asama. Combined with the fact that every now and then you have to completely shut down the nostril component of your respiratory system either because you have just passed a raw meat store, or a smelly set of dogs balls and it becomes very challenging.

The typical day starts with us heading to Australia owned Jacks cafe where you can enjoy a decent coffee. We then have a look around turning down invitations to buy art work and Inca knit garments. Afternoons it usually hoses down and we try to stay dry and turn down people trying to sell us ponchos. The evenings have largely been spent sucking a few beers back in back packer bars keeping an eye our for talent, which is difficult when an area such as this attracts the more seasoned hard core back packers who tend to be more liberal and less well kept. As we wander between establishments we are of course constantly turning down invitations for massages.

Sausages for Breakfast?

We don´t often think of Germany a lot down in NZ. Mostly people instantly associate Germany with the war or wars, the only reference to Germany I can think of in our regular vocabulary is referring to the German measles and the German crash helmet. The latter, a term we use because someone in Germany thought it would be a good idea to design a combat helmet that looks exactly like a circumcised Penis. However, the influence that Germany has in the world and indeed NZ, penetrates a bit deeper than that. Indeed some of their influence is due to the early success Hitler had during WWII, controlling all of Continental Europe. One could only assume that if Hilter´s parents had not taught him how to play Risk as a child we would not see such a mark on the world from the Germans. Now the Germans do bring some pretty useful things to the planet as I will explain later but it is worth adding I am not so sure things would be all good if we were over Germanised.

So how would the world look if the Germans were running the show. Well firstly let us consider a few things that might be a touch better. It has to be said that the bread we eat would be considerably better, although the downside of that is we would have no decent spreads to put on it. Only b-grade jams not fit for an ant trap and chocolate which tastes good on everything so it is a bit of short cut for a solution. I am sure jelly tip ice cream would taste pretty good on toast too. It has to be said that the Germans are pretty good with the old sausage and you probably would probably be inclined to buy one every time you came out of Bunnings. We would also drive much better cars, that is a fact. The Germans are responsible for the Lions share of the worlds best cars. Mercedes, BMW, Porch, VW and Audi to name a few. Our roads would be good too because they would have to be able to cope with no speed limit and therefore gone are the days of speed camera fines. Forcing Helen to come up with so new strategies to fill the government coffers. Now this last one would affect me, because it´s all about personality, but it has to be said that Girls through out the world probably be better looking because the Aryan genes would have spread a little more throughout the world, although the guys would be a bit uglier because they all look like they have had their hair cut by Stevie Wonder.

Ok, so that is some of the positives what about the negatives, well first of all hairdressers would be forbidden to cut mens hair. All haircuts for men would be done by the Barber in Lego land. Which is what currently happens in Germany. Twice a year all Germans males head across the northern board into Denmark for a short back and sides from one of our yellow friends without opposable thumbs. Just terrible, it looks like every guy is part of a boy band. Next is the fashion, it would be made compulsory to where socks with sandals, which despite having the benefit of being somewhat comfortable is a fashion crime. A crime that should be outlawed in the world today. Even those in Scandinavia don't commit this fashion atrocity and when you bear in mind that they go clothes shopping blindfolded is quite a statement. Then there is the food, whist the amount of fried food available in Germany would be received well in the States. The options available when it comes to desert would not be. There really is not a desert item in Germany that would make the top 20 in any other country in the world. The German word for desert is ¨nach tiche¨which literally translated means ´after table´. In former times this is because Germans actually ate the table after dinner in order to harden their stomachs for their desert. The key problem is that most German deserts are coated in marzipan, which is the ultimate impostor of the desert table that comes to defile the ranks of anything that might have a chance of tasting good. Most parents throughout the world would be forced to think of a new strategy for getting their kids to eat their vegetables, the old ¨if you don´t finish you wont get pudding¨ would not cut the mustard. Perhaps ¨if you don´t finish I will make you eat your pudding would work better¨.

So if you don't like eating sausages for breakfast you can be thankful that Hitlers parents did not tell him when playing Risk ¨Adolf if you want to win, don´t attack Russia until you have complete control over Asia¨.

Airports and Underpants

Before my last series of flights the only thing that Airports and underpants had in common is that going to the airport acted as a memory trigger for my jocks along with my passport . The most important items required for any overseas travel. Which incidentally in my case are stored in the exact same place.

I think an airport reflects entirely the characteristics of the people from the city in which it is located. Likewise underpants can reflect those same qualities. Auckland for example is pretty relaxed and slow paced until you try to sneak in food in or a dirty pair of shoes. Hong Kong is clean sleek and incredibly efficient, and does not really have a customs as such. Indeed I was with baggage and though customs in about 15 minutes from leaving the plane which is quicker than most domestic airports in NZ. NZ, whilst laid back is by no means that inefficient, just a little paranoid of more dirty bugs,bacteria and criminals from Australia sneaking in. Paranoid is one word which would describe LAX. Except its not just of your fruit and veg, they are paranoid of everyone and everything, except their own people of course, who when considering the fact can vote in a president with an IQ of 8, twice, with nuclear weapons at his disposal are significantly more dangerous than anyone else in the world. Hethrow airport reeks of laziness, is overstaffed and is remarkably inefficient with 1 of every 10 staff members working at any one time, while the other 9 have a coffee break. Dusseldorf in Germany is relatively efficient but is always a little suspicious of why unearth you would actually want to come to Germany, which having lived there is fair enough I guess.

Indeed if airports around the world where pairs of underpants they would be something like this; Auckland, comfy pair of boxer shorts but not providing enough support to smuggle bananas with. Hong Kong would be, if they existed, a triple pouched latex sports brief, extremely efficient and able to perform well in the most testing of circumstances. LAX a old pair of Y fronts in the back corner of your draw that are two sizes too small. Whist wearing them you have difficulty breathing and they give the impression that you are incredibly tight arsed. Hethrow, cannonball, fine for sleeping and doing nothing in but as soon as you move uncomfortable and irritating. Dusseldorf, white sports jocks with big brown stain at the back get the job done but people are a bit surprised that you haven't thrown them out.

Pygmys can Fly

Arriving at the check in counter at Taupo airport I knew I might be in a small bit of luggage trouble and my ‘you cheap grab-seat-gypsy’ status was not going to see me reap any special luggage allowance. After the first weigh in a repack was required to create the illusion that 5-6 kilograms less would be getting on the plane. By putting books into my hand luggage, wearing my suit and stuffing a shot put in my underpants I was able to pull the wool over the check in counter ladies eyes. This flight on the twin propeller 1900 Beechcraft would be my 1^st of 18 in the next 60 days. That is 18 times queuing in check in lines trying to work out why some of the people checking in before me have such difficult check in procedures and 18 times coming into land trying to convince myself that this is statistically safer than driving my car into town. Flight 1, aside from the bumpy landing almost causing the shot put to crush my left testicle, went well and reassured me that I could trust the statistics.

The next major event was boarding NZ 39 from Auckland to Hong Kong. Long haul flights, although feeling much safer exacerbate every problem there is to do with flying. For example a screaming baby from Auckland to wellington for 1 hour is not nearly as discomforting as one in the row behind you on a 20 hour flight from Hong Kong to New York.

Let us consider the two biggest problems of flying. The first I have already mentioned. Crying babies are just one of those inconvenient situations in life where everyone loses. The baby is obviously not very happy. The parents feel bad, the other passengers feel increasingly distressed and airline staff are left feeling helpless. Once on a flight to Australia I found myself surrounded by a choir of screaming children. Whilst I tried to exercise all manner of grace by the end of the flight I was wishing a herd of Dingo would come swooping though the cabin and take them all away. There are of course some simple solutions ,Dingos aside. Firstly banning any children under the age of two from flying. This may seem harsh but when considering the actions of both Pharaoh and Herod when faced with similar dilemmas at two separate points in history, this is not as bad as their actions. Secondly a crying baby cargo hold could be employed on long haul flights. Babies are simple checked and stored in a sound proof area of the cabin. Thirdly babies could be “debarked” much like the poor old dog who is trying to let his owners know that buglers are coming though the back window but he is buggered with no voice box. I must say that I was fortunate to be spared this fate on my first flight and the next leg from Hong Kong London the only child was seated in another part of the cabin and visited our end of the plane only for short bursts. The second and equally as troubling problem is being seated next to the fat passenger. On this particular occasion, not being on a flight to or from America there was much less chance of my being affected. With this problem there is not quite so much sympathy, bottom line being that as understanding as people try to be and rare genetic conditions aside, deep down everyone knows that people are overweight because they eat too much. It is hard to have sympathy, unless of course they are deliberately putting on weight to audition for the lead roll in Kung Fu Panda or Hair Spray 2. So the airline passenger clasping for breath because they are sandwiched between two, three ton sumo wrestlers will be less patient than with a crying baby. Solution 1) pay for two seats – before you say ‘discrimination’, is it discrimination that someone has to buy two big mac combos instead of one? 2) Weight limits to include the weight of the passenger – before you say ‘discrimination’, is petrol cheaper in places where only fat people live….. actually at $4 per gallon in the states it actually is.

To elevate these problem airlines try in vain to provide good service. A vital part of good service is friendly, efficient and good looking staff but as Flight of the Conchords rightly point out in their song 'Most Beautiful Girl in the room' “your so beautiful you could be an air hostess, in the 60’s”…. in the 60’s. Since the 60’s only surf shops and red bull promo girls seemed to have somehow bypassed the equal opportunity thing regardless of how good you look. These days for organisations such as airlines there are much more diverse employment criteria. Such as needing to have one of staff member from every people group known to man. Getting served on the plane is like some kind of world youth event. I was served a glass of wine by a petite Hungarian, my meal from a Himalayan Sherpa and my coffee from a Pygmy tribesman from the amazon basin.

Overall, considering my luggage rearranging, the lack of crying babies, lack of fat passengers and multicultural flight stewards my flight to Europe was a pretty comfortable experience. I suppose largely due to the fact that almost nobody else thought it was a good idea to head over for the start of winter!